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Teen Mom to Adult of A Teen: “The Realities of Parenting”

At the time I did not know I had any options. I was 15 years old and found out I was about 2 months pregnant. I didn’t even get to tell my parents, a friend of the family told my parents and they questioned me as to whether this was true. My father was more liberal about the new change in my life, but my mother was not. My mother immediately told me that I had no options. She described placing an African-American baby for adoption in an unpleasant way, telling me how I would feel if I chose to place my baby for adoption. I always wondered “how would she know how I would feel”. As of this date, woman-to-woman, she has confessed that she has never placed a baby for adoption and did not know anyone who did. So again, I ask you how did she know the best option for me? Hence, a decision was made; I was going to be parenting a baby in 7 months.

Wow, I had so many conflicting feelings. At times I was happy and at other times I was extremely sad. Throughout my pregnancy I was lucky to have my favorite aunt take me under her wing and provide the support and parenting preparation I needed. I affectionately call this Parenting 101! In addition, I had the continued support of friends and some other family members. My mother was reluctantly supportive, as she was trying to cope with her 15-year-old daughter who was about to be having a baby and the reality of what that really meant to her.

One may think the reality of parenting comes with pregnancy and delivery, but for me, that was not the case. Even after all the classes, counseling, and prenatal classes, reality still had not presented itself. The reality of parenting identified itself shortly after delivery. I was then 16, a junior in high school, with an 8-week-old baby girl and I had just returned to school. I was up all night with my daughter because she had colic and I had no clue as to what to do. I called the emergency room, the doctor, and even consulted with my mother, but nothing helped me or my baby. She just cried all night and into the morning. Then to welcome me into reality, that same morning, I had a test in my 1st period class. I was tired and not prepared. This incident was the first of many to follow. I could go on and on about situations, incidents, and circumstances regarding the realities of parenting, but instead I am just going to break it down into four categories.

Category 1: The planning of parenthood:

Expect the unexpected! You know how you sit and write your life plan for you, baby, and the baby’s father, well beware - this plan may or may not work out like you planned it. A lifetime to parent someone is challenging and rewarding, but ever changing – so expect the unexpected!

The realities of planning for parenthood include the basics of shelter, food/ formula, clothing, diapers, daycare, transportation, medical care, dental care, and eye care. But as your baby gets older, you have to start to incorporate and plan for your child’s education. Ask yourself questions like while you work where is my child going to go to school? What time do you work? What time does school get out? What time do you get off of work? If your child goes to school before or after you go to work, who is going to help you get your child to/ from school? Who is going to pay for that? What happens in the case of an emergency?

Who is going to give your child undivided attention to play with and teach them things after school and on the weekend? How will you have time for yourself? Will you be crabby and mean or understanding and patient? These are the type of planning questions one should have when considering to parent.

Category 2: The emotions of parenting:

How am I going to feel as a parent of a boy, or a girl? How am I going to feel if my baby has some kind of disability? How do I feel being this age and a parent? What are others going to think? What do I think? As my baby gets older and is not developing like the other kids, what will I do, how will I feel, how can I help my baby? When the parents of my child’s classmates look at me negative, how will I feel? Will my child share that feeling? What will I say when my child ask me more details about their father and he may not be around, though you thought he would be? As my child gets a little older and I may not be in a financial position to obtain the things my child desires, how will I feel as a parent? What will I impart on my child as they go through adolescents? As my daughter starts to develop how will I react? As my son’s voice gets deeper and muscles form and girls call, what will I do? When my child is not acting appropriate to their gender, what will I do? When my teenager is acting out – what will I do? When my teenager is on the way to college – how will it be paid for? These are just a few questions in planning emotionally for parenting.

Category 3: The financial plans for parenting:

In this category one should be very realistic and talk to someone who can provide a clear picture of what it takes to maintain household expenses, to obtain good credit and what that means for you and your baby and also what adverse credit means to you and your baby. One should also expect the unexpected bills (miscellaneous fees, lunch money, extra curricular activity fees, going somewhere with friends, this class, that class, or something your child forgot to tell you about that requires additional expenses. Plus you may just want to do something for you and that is an expense. These are just a few questions in planning financially for parenting.

Category 4: The father of my baby:

Who is he? What is his character? Who is his family? Where is his family? Do you trust him and his family to provide love, care, concern, and guidance for the child for a lifetime, through the terrible 2’s, toddler, child, adolescence, teens, young adulthood? Do we get along? What example will he set for our child? Does he have legal rights to the child? Will he help support the child, not only financially, but also emotionally? Will my child know their father? These are just a few questions in planning for fatherhood.

As I matured, I realized that I too had to step up my skills in being a mature parent who is able to parent a teenager. A teenager, who was smart and able to communicate or not communicate by choice. Looking back, I can recall a few major mistakes that I think are worth mentioning in parenting.

1. The first was a lack of consistency. Children need and thrive off of consistency. When I speak of consistency, I am not only talking about time schedule but also being consistent to what I say and do, what the rules are, and not bending them. Because as I was bending the rules, I believe my daughter started to observe what makes me bend and prey on my weaknesses that she observed.
2. The second mistake I believe I made as a young parent was that I did not allow my daughter to truly suffer the consequences of her actions or understand cause and effect, which is huge in life. Often times as children make bad decisions, they suffer the consequences and often times parents step in, in an effort to help make the child feel better and that is what I did to a fault.
3. Then lastly, as my daughter is in young adulthood I am learning to let go, which is also parenting. I have had to step back and allow her to understand and feel the consequences of the choices that she made. I have had to let her make some major adult decisions without talking to her about how they will impact her life.

I am now 36 years old, with a 19 year old daughter, and a 2-year old grandson. Yes, my daughter is also a teen mom and unlike my situation, I told her about her parenting options. So, please listen to me as I express that you do have parenting options and if you decide to parent you are deciding to be responsible for unconditionally loving, cultivating, developing, guiding, and teaching another human being. Parenting decisions are huge and not to be taken lightly. Please do not just consider parenting a baby, but also a toddler, adolescent, teen, and young adult. One’s parenting options also can include adoption. Though I was not allowed to choose adoption for my child, I have known several families who have adopted and adoption is a dynamic parenting choice that you can make. Take it from me, I don’t regret my decision, but I want other young women and men to just know your options!